I'm doing it again, and I'm coming here to stop it.

I'm comparing myself to others again--specifically love lives, which is my biggest insecurity because it's one of the most important things to me that I constantly feel like is out of my control. I really don't feel like anything is wrong with mine, but I feel like I have to prove it for it to be true, which I also don't think is true regardless of how it feels sometimes.

"...I want to share these dreams and desires

With someone that has dreams and desires..."

And this is where my insecurities resurfaced. I was brought back to my parents' worries that my boyfriend doesn't have enough drive and ambition to do anything with his life and eventually support me, himself, and our future children. I still hate when people ask me what my "boyfriend does" because I automatically fear that those people will think the same thing my parents used to think, and I automatically feel the need to defend him to them since he's not their to defend himself and I love him and care about him and he probably wouldn't know what to say anyway if he felt that somebody questioned his ability to support a family. I know that I worry too much. I'm probably doing that again right now, but I can't help but wonder, "If I feel like there's something for which I have to defend him, there must be something he's guilty of and it might be a real problem that I need to deal with now instead of later." I just made a BIG career change. Is this the season of changes for me including my relationship with him? I don't want it to be. 

On the other hand, I feel like I need to give both of us a break--myself a mental break and allow myself to enjoy myself without worrying about what other people think and him a break because if he ever knew I had these exact thoughts, he would be so hurt and insecure and incredibly insulted. From what he tells me, I and my parents are the only people who have faith in him. His own mother doesn't even seem to. In fact, in the past, he's told me about times his mother's terribly put him down. I worry all the time. I love him to death, and I'm so scared to make the wrong decision that I constantly worry that I'm being blinded by love to problems that need to be taken care of to combat my suspected blindness, I look for any sign of weakness as a possible problem.

But we are humans. I am human, and he is human. We are not perfect, and people's imperfections are different. One of his just happens to be apathy in high school and low self-esteem to imagine doing anything to prepare for a future right away out of high school. Now, he's not sure what the heck he wants to do as a career yet to be able to know which steps to follow to get there. And everyone at least acts understanding. I mean, he's not the only person to not know what he wants to do with his life and not follow the straightest life path, so why shouldn't he be understood? At the very least, he should be able to rely on having my understanding. And he does. But I'm nervous and scared because I love him so much that I'm so scared to lose him that I worry about every imperfection because I'm scared that it will be the one--the one problem that sets us off for destruction so to speak. And all of this--all this worry (once again as usual as burdensome as it is)--should be a sign that I should be okay because it all indicates positive answers to the questions my parents oh-so-wisely told me to ask myself when I worry about my relationship with my boyfriend.

Do you want to be with him?
Is the relationship hurting either of you?

For me, those two questions are all I need to assess the state of my relationship, and even during my hardest times, the answers have always been yes and no, respectively.

I need to find a way to acknowledge these worries and the love they indicate that I have for him but not let them run my life. I have been doing such a good job so far with it, but (as expected unfortunately) there are still hard days. I don't like those days. Maybe one day I will appreciate them, but for now, I don't because they make me sad and then feel guilty for doubting the very wonderful relationship that my boyfriend has helped me create because he is so awesome to me. I seriously really do love him. I'm not trying to convince myself or anyone else--for once.(;