Life isn't picture perfect (and I rant (-:)

I need to stop thinking that life has to be a certain way and that if I try to make it a certain way it will never be that way and that and this and that. Makes no sense, doesn't it? This might be my anxiety talking (probably is actually--shit), but I look at pictures of families and think, "Gosh, that's what I want." Nothing anxious about that, right? Right. Then, I think, "Oh, I can't focus on wanting my life to fulfill me in a way that feels as good as people's Instagram photos look." But everyone should be able to feel that good about things at some point. I think I will, but I don't think I will always feel that way, even about the things that ultimately do make me feel that way. We have bad days and even the things we love get hard. I focus way too much about how badly I want my dream life to look life my dream life while trying to build a foundation for my dream life. That sounds weird, but, like, I get so upset that my life doesn't look as beautiful and doesn't make me feel as good as I want my dream life to make me feel. Not that my life isn't beautiful now. It is in a not beautiful way right now--a beautiful mess of you will. It's like a construction zone because that's exactly what I'm doing now. I'm building the foundation for my dream life like people build a foundation for my dream home, but I'm worrying about the curtains and bedsheets (quite literally...) while I'm still working on the framework. The frame's almost built! I graduate from undergraduate school this semester, and I'm applying to medical school right now. I'll equate medical school with putting up the exterior and interior walls. Then, I can start filling my house! I can marry my boyfriend then so that I can enjoy the process without having school stress to distract me, and we can start thinking about babies!!!! Oh, babies--I don't want to be anywhere near having babies until I've graduated medical school--ideally after I've finished residency and start settling into my permanent swing of things. I want to work in a clinic, so once I have all that figured out. I'd hate to miss time with my babies because I'm still busy with residency. I know things don't always happen according to plan, but it's still good to have a plan. Otherwise, I wouldn't do much. I need a plan to tell me what to do. I need my plan to motivate me. But I'm still open to changes in my plan. Nobody seems to think I'm open to it because I get upset about things not going according to plans, and it's really annoying that people think that you have to be happy about it to be open to changes. I don't think you have to be 100% okay with your plan not working (ESPECIALLY AS SOON AS YOU FIND OUT IT HAPPENS!!!! First B on my college transcript second semester sophomore year and my advisor who didn't think I was over it, I'm looking at y'all.) Maybe I wasn't over it, but I accepted it. I think you can accept something without liking it. I feel like people are telling me I haven't accepted it because I haven't gotten over it. ANYWAY! My point is that I look at pictures on Instagram of happy couples and families because that's what I like to see. That's what I want. Then, I get sad that my life isn't like that yet. That I don't get to come home and wake up to my boyfriend, the love of my life yet. That we only get one day a week and not even the maximum time because I have school and litter and driving and bathing and shaving. And I see pregnant women with their babies and get sad that I don't get have to have a baby yet and that I feel like babies don't even like me so the only babies I'll ever get a chance with are my own who are so far away from being mine.): Sigh. And I just think about how much I can't wait for my life to make me as happy as those pictures look at least sometimes because I know it's unrealistic to think I can feel like that always. And I get stressed when my life isn't that happy and it's filled with stress. But I add stress to myself being stressed about not having a less stressful life. And I know life will always be stressful, but I think life will be less stressful for me personally when I'm done with school. I've learned by seeing my parents that some people respond to school and work stress differently. My dad loves school and stressed about work. He's also not at a job he enjoys. He enjoys supporting his family, and that's why he goes to work. My mom loves her job and hated school. I've never worked to know if I'll like that, but I hate school. I love what I'm studying, but I hate the deadlines and the tests and studying and papers all stacked up at once. I feel like I can barely breathe! So school makes me unhappy. It's an hour away from home, and I spend so much time away from home and my favorite people and SHOULD be coming home to spend more time studying. Keyword--should. I barely do. I try to soak up more time with my family since I don't feel like I get much time with them anymore. School makes me feel lonely on top of stressed. I am fortunate to be able to go to school, but I don't enjoy the lifestyle. I feel guilty when I get to spend time with my family because I know I need to be spending more of it studying. But it feels impossible to get all the work done with enough free time to enjoy myself. But school is a necessary means to and end for my dream life. I'm hoping that medical school will make me feel less lonely in my relationship because my boyfriend and I will be moving in together when I go! Yay!!! So I look at these pictures and get sad that my life isn't at that point where my boyfriend and I are married and living together and making babies together and raising them, but these pictures probably are damaging me in a way because I'm probably getting these false expectations in my head so that when I have my family I might enjoy it less at first because I'm comparing it to the standard of pretty Instagram pictures, not real life. I'm wishing for something that isn't real. Pictures aren't going to give me intimacy and fuzzy feelings. Life will, and life's not always picture perfect. It's really hard for me to remember that, so I'm writing this to remind myself again and you, too--anyone else who can relate to this. If you're in a rut, I'm here to remind you that it's okay. Don't measure life by Instagram expectations. It sounds really stupid and obvious when you put it like that, but it's SO easy to forget. It might be time for another social media break for me. Ha. Let's see how long that lasts without me unfollowing my favorites. I hate to unfollow them because I'm sure it's annoying when they see me re-follow them. If I did it again, I'd be following some of these people for the third fricking time!! Then, it's hard to find them again sometimes after I unfollow them for when I feel like I'm ready to follow them again and can handle it. Siggggh. I just want my boyfriend. That's basically what all this boils down to. I get like this when I'm lonely, which is often.(-:

True love to me...

I'm feeling creative and an urge to write and...in love <3 Of course, I'm always in love with my boyfriend, even when I don't feel it. I have anxiety, so love doesn't feel normal and right to me all the time. However, even when it feels wrong, it still feels right.(: I never want to break up with my boyfriend, even when I'm feeling scared and unsure. That's what all my fear boils down to--unsure--and all my uncertainty boils down to fear--fear of losing him because I love him so much. I miss him deeply, even though I saw him two days ago and get him again in two more days. We've definitely gone longer without seeing each other, so I feel like I shouldn't be missing him THIS much with so little time in between visits, but it all means I love him that much and want him. Therefore, I can feel the way I want! Anyway! The point of this post is what true love is to me. One thing that embodies true love for me--what showcases and is the epitome of my love for my boyfriend (because we are true love to me)--is a phrase I say to him SO. OFTEN: I want you, and I want babies.

(Oh my gosh, I didn't know this existed. I was looking for a picture of the original heart-eye emoji because I wasn't sure it was going to show by typing from my phone to showing up on a computer. Then, I was thinking about the cat heart-eye emoji because I love cats. THEN, I saw THIS. It portrayed my feeling perfectly. Ah...)

So the thing is I LOVE him (obviously), and one of my biggest dreams is to be his wife and have children one day. I LOVE babies, so telling him I want him and babies is to me one of the biggest compliments I can give him of how much I love him because it's telling him he's part of my biggest dreams.(: Aww, how sweet?

Long time, no see

It's been a long time since I've posted, or so it feels. I've thought about posting SO OFTEN, but either I'm busy with family or have to prioritize schoolwork and medical school applications (!) before it. Or I forget. There's also my not being able to decide on a topic: I think of a topic at an inopportune time. Then, I forget about it by the time I seem to have time, or I don't feel like writing anymore. I've thought about starting the post and saving it for later if for whatever reason I run out of time, but I hate the idea of starting something while I'm feeling inspired by it and having to return to it when I've lost that inspiration. It makes me feel phony to write about something with less passion than I had for it at another time. It's happened before to me on this blog: I started a post and saved the draft, and when I came back to it to finish, I didn't feel passionate about it anymore. It wasn't fun. It was a chore at that point, and the point of writing on this blog for me is to be fun! This blog is supposed to be a place for me that when I have some idea I want to share with the world and no other platform seems appropriate (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, friends and family, even my journal) whether the topic is irrelevant to all of them or I don't feel like sharing the personal information publically but I still have the urge to shout it from the rooftops, I want to be able to come here and share this personally with people as I see fit on a case-to-case basis. Sometimes, a topic is too sensitive or personal for me to be comfortable having it associated with my name permanently on the Internet. I don't want my expression to come back to haunt me whether it's something that should be a problem or not. Sometimes, things shouldn't be a problem, but they are anyway. Nobody should be rejected from a job or school because of depression or anxiety, but I'm sure it happens anyway. Employers or admissions people find another way to call it, but I'm sure a lot of rejection happens because of stigmas. I want to be able to express myself without fear whether I should have to fear it or not. Just because something shouldn't be a way doesn't mean it isn't. Bad things happen to good people. Both are in the same vein, AKA life isn't fair. I actually wanted to make what I call a "real post," talking about something more interesting to me, not logistics of my brain and blog, BUT I wanted to explain why I post so spaced out sometimes. Maybe/hopefully, I'll be posting again soon for that interesting thing. I feel like this post would be WAY too long if I explained this and talked about the interesting thing. I can talk very much.(:

Adiós, and see y'all soon (HOPEFULLY)!