Hi, everyone! I've been having a difficult time deciding whether I'd continue blogging since I decided to have a social media purge, but I decided I'd stick around for now.(: I've also been having trouble figuring out about what to post and waiting for the urge to do so. I don't want to force a post for the sake of staying regular. I want to post regularly, but I want everything to be genuine. As usual, I'm going to give you an update on the things I think are most important to share since my last post. Then, I have some advice I'd like to give regarding that in case it helps even one person. Finally, I'd like to discuss my social media purge because it ties into my personal update and advice!
First of all, my personal update. The thing on which I want to update you is that I was recently diagnosed with depression and general anxiety. It was both scary and relieving. I've had my suspicions about having either for probably about two years now. My mother has depression, and her maternal grandmother and all that grandmother's children also have it. Therefore, I have a pretty strong family history of depression. It's really hard to accept all the advice people give about depression and anxiety when you have it. However, it is still all true. Depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain. It is not your fault. When I was diagnosed, I felt guilty. I have such a wonderful life. I consider myself to be one of the most fortunate people in the world. Therefore, I felt guilty for being overwhelmed by my wonderful and fortunate life when there are people with so much less in life who are fine. It's important to remember at this point that depression is a chemical imbalance. It's nothing I can control. Mostly, I felt relieved, though. I never was suicidal about feeling down all the time, thankfully, but I felt as if I would be stuck being unhappy for a very long time. I felt as if I wouldn't be happy until after I finished undergraduate school, medical school, and internship and residency. That would have been a very long time to be unhappy. What a shame? Also, I'd here quotes about if you're waiting for an end goal until you're happy, you'll never be happy. Then, I was like, Oh, crap, I really will never be happy. Being diagnosed with anxiety and depression was relieving because it meant that there was a reason I felt the way I did. There was nothing I could do about it on my own, so it's not like I was weak or forgetting to do something. Such a relatively simple solution was available to make me feel happy again--a pill. I've always hated the idea of becoming dependent on something, especially a man-made chemical. I had to get over that quickly in order to be happy. I don't have to let myself become dependent on other synthetic chemicals, but this one was worth it to me. This is not a dependency I could control. As of right now, I need it. I will continue to take it for as long as I need to--forever if I have to--because I haven't felt this good in years--more than the two years I felt terrible and I suspected I had depression or anxiety. I haven't felt this good probably since my junior or senior year of high school when I was really falling in love with my boyfriend. The years between then and the two terrible years of my life were still really good, but I feel blissful so far--so damn blissful--and it's amazing. I am so thankful. I am so thankful to depression and anxiety, and I am so happy to be depressed and anxious. Call me cynical, dark and twisted, or trying to romanticize disorders. I'm not, but when you feel that way for so long and a pill the size of a grain of rice brings you back to the happiest years of your life in three to four short weeks, you're going to be happy. At least I am. I hope you can understand from where I'm coming at least enough to understand that I'm not trying to romanticize disorders. That is the last thing I'm trying to do. I hope if you have depression or anxiety, this resonates with you and even offers you some peace. I hope if you suspect you have depression or anxiety or any other disorder that you can find enough strength in yourself as a result of this post to reach out to a professional to get down to the bottom of what's bugging you because once you do, you will be so happy. I wish all of you the best. Finally, I want to leave off with what I think is something important to know regarding depression and anxiety. I say it so often that I'm scared I've said it before and will sound like a broken record, but it's seriously that important to realize: Everybody gets depressed and anxious. Healthy individuals go through that normally. The difference with the disorder is that those moods last longer than they should. I do not remember the exact length where it would be considered a disorder, but I remember one of my psychology teachers telling me that, and I think everyone needs to realize that. I've seen people tell someone who says, "I'm depressed," not to say that unless they have the disorder because the disorder is a serious thing. The disorder is a serious thing, but it's important that you both realize that you can be depressed without having depression.
That bit of this post is so long that I feel bad for posting the rest that I had planned, but I really like to keep it all connected. Please, stick around. Thank you for doing so in advance.(:
Part two--advice: I'm going to contradict myself and then elaborate. Don't follow advice. That is my very, very general way of saying don't follow every piece of advice you ever come across. Don't look for the meaning behind every quote on Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, Pinterest, or Facebook and apply it to your life. Don't look for the meaning in every song and apply it to your life. Don't look for the meaning behind every movie or episode of a television show and apply it to your life. Don't look into every post on Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, Pinterest, or Facebook and compare your life to it and make changes as you seem to think fit. I've been doing all of this for the past two years at least when I suspected I had depression or anxiety, and it hurt me. It hurt me so much, not just my feelings but my ability to heal and recover. I've been told this countless times over the past two years in bits and pieces whenever I'd vent to somebody and explain what made me question something in my life. I knew the advice was right, but for some reason, it was as if it would pass from one ear and out the other and I had no control over that happening. I couldn't stop and say, "Okay, I'm going to stop that thought in its tracks because I know it's wrong, and I'm going to do that every time I have that thought." I'd tell myself that the thought occurred for a reason and that if I didn't finish the thought and/or if I would ignore the thought that I was just running away from a bigger problem that would cost me further down the line. Since I've been diagnosed and taking medicine, I know better now. Stopping those thoughts does not mean I'm ignoring a problem. I don't have a problem. I mean, I obviously do--depression and anxiety--but contrary to what I once believed, having depression and anxiety does not mean that every thought and feeling I had while being depressed and anxious and/or having depression and anxiety was not a real, valid, true thought or feeling of mine. I thought that I was 100% a different person when I was depressed and anxious--that being treated meant that all of me would be erased and recreated, that I was back to square one of life. I was so scared to be treated because I thought that everything in my life from that point forward would be a surprise--that I did not know myself at all. What a crazy thought?? But it's what I thought. Despite having to ignore 99% of the advice I've come across in life, there are a few pieces of advice that I consider pivotal in my recovery and healing. I'll share those now with you in case it can help y'all!
Ida Scott Taylor:
"Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has yet to come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering."
Lao Tzu:
"If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present."
(I had trouble finding a definite source for this quote, but this is the best I could come up with.)
Mandy Hale:
"The key to happiness is letting each situation be what it is instead of what you think it should be."
Now, it's time for me to elaborate on what each quote means to me and how it helped me. I heard the Ida Scott Taylor quote on an episode of One Tree Hill (I love that show!), and it spoke to me immediately. I always freak out about the past and feel guilty and sad about the way I felt, and I often wish I would have known then what I do now so that I could have spent that time more wisely and not wasted it with what seems like meaningless worries. On the contrary, I did need to go through that to get past it. Therefore, it was not a waste, but instead of acknowledging that, I'd dwell on having felt that way, which landed me a spot back on the Depression Express. Then, I'd freak out about the future because literally anything is possible. Nothing is definite. Nobody knows everything. We can't be sure that anything we know is really 100% true, and that scared me. The person you love and care about the most could end up being the person who hurts you the most and is the worst for you. That. Scares me. So. Much. I'd mull over the endless possibilities of "What if..." in the future, and it made me doubt and question almost every aspect of my life. That leads me into the next quote. I think it was true. I'd get anxious and antsy when I'd worry about "What if..."s of the future, and I'd feel depressed when I'd reflect on how badly I've felt in the past. Living in the present is the best thing you can do for yourself. That's what I take from the first two quotes, and they offered two different perspectives for me for that main idea. Both perspectives helped me very much. Finally, the last quote is important to me because I like most people have ideas about how things should be. We've been conditioned from music, movies, television, and books about how love should be, what true love is like, what friendships are like, how friendships and true love happens and the difference between them, how happiness should feel, what your life should be like at each age, what you should want out of life, how you should feel about your career. We constantly let other people tell us how our lives should be. Despite what you might think, you seriously, honestly know yourself better than anyone else no matter how close you are to your parents, your best friend, your sibling(s), or your significant other--no matter what professionals know about how the human mind feels and thinks. You know, and what you know is enough. Remember that. I forgot that often along the way. I didn't think I was old enough to have enough experience in life to know things. How could I know about love when I've only ever been with one guy and haven't been through very many trying things in life? But I know what I want out of a relationship, and that is enough. I know how I feel about my boyfriend and other people and the difference between him and them that continually makes me choose to be with him instead of other people. That is enough. I have lost count of the number of times I've said, "When I let myself be, I am so happy." That means I let go of expectations and let situations play out as they did, and nine times out of ten, I was still happy--probably happier than I would have been if what I expected would have happened because I was pleasantly surprised that I could be happy with something other than my plan, and I was free. I was free from that grip of control and feeling like I had to be on my toes, ready for anything, and controlling every aspect in order to make my expectations a reality. Living in the present, enjoying the moment, being pleasantly surprised by the outcome, and the freedom of letting go all feel really good to me. It will feel good to you, too.
Let. Things. Be.
My final piece of advice somewhat reiterates what I've been saying, but I feel like this is yet another different perspective and an equally important one at that. This piece of advice about advice was extremely eye-opening and freeing to me. You don't have to like, follow, or agree with every piece of advice you receive, even when you specifically asked for it--even if it is from someone you love and trust and care about. Sometimes, you just know. For someone as anxious about "What if..."s and possibilities as I am, that's a joke. Nobody can just know something. I've had a lot of trouble deciphering between my gut, my heart, and my brain to know what to follow. I think your gut and your heart are about the same thing, and I think my brain is from where my depressed and anxious thoughts have been coming. I now know how to go with my gut and follow my heart. It's really hard to explain to someone how to do that, though, I think. You can give advice and insight like I am, but I think it's impossible to know until it finally clicks for you. I think if it can click for me, it can click for anyone. I'm so literal and science- and fact-driven that I and my family thought I was a lost cause for knowing and feeling the difference between my heart and my head. We thought that it would be something I'd have to simply accept for the rest of my life and just trust, but as soon as I started taking medicine to treat my depression and anxiety, things started falling into place and clicking.
Finally, my social media purge: I deleted my Facebook and Instagram applications this week. It started as me unfollowing people that I followed or was friends with for the sole purpose of looking at their beautiful life or "stalking" or simply having no good reason to be connected to them. I did this a couple times. Then, I realized that those apps only make me compare myself to other peoples lives and read into every post I saw, and I've been wanting to become less dependent on social networking and technology and being present and living in the present more. Therefore, I deleted the apps completely from my phone. I kept my accounts so that I always have my old posts to look back on for memories or in the case of Facebook, I can ultimately stay in touch with extended family and old friends and classmates. I also deleted Twitter today. I kept my account, of course. I only really liked it anymore to keep up with current events, but I can get news apps instead. Therefore, instead of mindless scrolls for hours on social media sites that ultimately hurt me more than help me, I will spend my time more wisely--reading, cleaning, applying to medical school, organizing, or browsing online for positive things.
Finally, finally, finally, my long post is done. Thank you again for sticking around this long. I feel like all of this is extremely important, and if it helps even one person, I'll be beyond happy.(: That's why I started this blog.
