Comparing myself to others and feeling less special

I like to post my stories about overcoming problems and how I did it in hopes of helping people going through similar problems. Usually, I post about these things AFTER I’ve figured them out for the most part. I say for the most part because many problems aren’t one and done. Even after you’ve figured out how to solve them, some problems take work every single day maybe for the rest of your life; therefore, you will still have bad days sometimes. That doesn’t mean you’re back at square one, though. Use your coping techniques to cope with your hard day, and find mantras that help you. Repeat those to yourselves on those days, especially.

My point in bringing up all of this is that today I’m going to post about a problem I’m dealing with at the moment. I don’t think I’ve made as much progress of this problem like I have my relationship anxiety, but since I want to be as real and relatable as possible and since writing it out helps, I figured I’d kill two birds with one stone and talk about my problem now—use this as an online diary. The problem I’m going to be talking about today is comparing myself to others and feeling like someone who is just like me makes me less special.

My boyfriend has a friend who is engaged, and his fiancée is gorgeous and smart—like, really, really smart. She’s graduating with a four-year degree for physical training, so she’s taking many physics and biology classes—both of which I’ve taken. She even used to be a chemistry major. I love chemistry! I took college chemistry classes. Our boyfriends are skater/druggy types. I hate to be so stereotypical and almost degrading, but that’s who they were in high school, and even though my boyfriend doesn’t smoke anymore, he’s still got that outside appearance of one. And the girl and I are kind of that style, too. So we’re both these punk chicks who know this mind-bending science really well in a blow-your-mind-I-didn’t-know-you-were-that-smart kind of way. I love my science, and I love knowing such a complicated science so well. And I love not looking like your typical braniac. I like being a science nerd but still look like the punk rock/grunge kid I was in high school. I prided myself in it in a way. I thought it made me special, unique, one-of-a-kind, and now, this girl comes in, and she seems just. Like. Me. Now, I no longer feel special. I mean, to be special, you have to be different. If there are people like me, I’m not so different, right? Someone who knows her before me might be so amazed and blown away by how much she knows and that she’s so alternative and cool. Then, they meet me, and they’re not so impressed. I’m old news—nothing special. Like, wtf??

Well, I’ve been re-battling with this for a few days now. Re- because I felt this way before about her and had to unfollow her to stop making myself feel so bad about not being unique and special anymore. Now, I’m starting to realize that it doesn’t matter if other people think I’m cool, unique, or special. The fact that I’m me makes me special enough. There’s so much more to me than those two things that make me like nobody else. Likewise, there’s so much more to her as well. We’re not just two alt girls who love science. So there’s a lot that make us unique, and we don’t need other people’s opinions to validate that for us.

It’s really hard not to care what people think about you. Every time I convince myself that I don’t care what others think of me, I find myself worrying what others think of me. In a way, I don’t care what others think of me. Like, I’m confident in myself and who I am. I like who I am. I love who I am. I think I’m, like, the coolest person ever! You know how when you’re looking for friends, you look for people who like what you like? Well, guess what? Who else likes everything you like besides you? Probably no one! Therefore, you should be your favorite person for that reason! Does that make sense? For example, say your favorite things ever are A, B, C, D, and E. You want to look for a friend who likes those things, too. You found one who likes three of them, another who likes three also but three different ones from the first person. You found several people who like at least one of those things you like, but you know who checks off every thing you look for in a friend? YOU! Therefore, that’s my lecture about why you should be your favorite person and why I’m my own. So yes, I’m confident in myself in that sense, but like many other people, I want people to like me or at least be amazed by me and my love for science since not a lot of people know as much about science as I do. Like, I think that makes me really cool. I’m so proud of it, and I want others to acknowledge how amazing the thing I’m most proud of is. So I feel threatened by this girl. I’m not going to lie! She’s pretty. She’s active. She eats healthy for cheap. People look up to her for advice on their bodies. And she goes to school for hard-ass science, and she seems to have it all together and doesn’t worry and stuff. She wants to be a student for life if she could get paid for it. Ugh, that sounds to me like someone who has their shit together and doesn’t get stressed by school. I love my subjects, and I love learning. However, I hate deadlines, especially for papers. She even presented research like I do! Like, ugh, it feels like there’s nothing she can’t do, and the things that she seems to be able to do reminds me of everything I’m slacking in: How I feel overwhelmed and like I have too much to do, so I’m falling behind, but I made a commitment, and I’m so close to the end, so I have to squeeze it all together in, like, two weeks. Like, it’s fucking crazy. I’m overwhelmed. I know it’s all my fault, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. Like, yes, I can fix it, but it’s going to suck ass. I’m going to feel less like I can breathe. I have five more weeks of this. I feel like I’m going insane. I’m so annoyed and aggravated. I want to be able to balance school and free time well. I want to enjoy myself, and I can’t it feels like.

Yes, y'all, I have issues, which is why take medicine for anxiety and depression.

I think a good thing to remember, though, is just like a quote I read that said, "Another woman's beauty is not the absence of your own," another person's alt-girl-and-science-girl-ness is not the absence of your own. I mean, that quote can be said about anything you're comparing yourself to another person over, and it's still true. Just because I feel like another girl has my style and is a science brainiac doesn't mean I'm any less of one. I'm still super cool and special, and she is, too. That's really hard to remember sometimes, though. It really is. It doesn't make it any less true, though.

My problem with SOME quotes about losing friends

I LOVE quotes. When I need a quick reminder of what's important to me or to put things in perspective when I'm worried, upset, or unmotivated, quotes personally help me so much. That's not to say you should live your life by every quote, though. Many quotes can contradict each other. Anyone can make a quote, and many people do. Quotes are like advice like I mentioned in my last post. You don't have to agree with or follow every single one. Find the ones you truly believe in your heart and your gut, and use those when you're in any sort of rut. One style of quotes I have a problem with, though, are quotes about lost friendships, not all of them but some of them. For example, this one by Mandy Hale posted by one of my favorite Instagram accounts @25park:

On the surface, it's a good quote. You're not going to lose your real friends. On the other side, I don't like what I personally interpret from it. Any time you lose a friend, they were automatically not true or shitty or any other negative adjective. I don't believe that that's always true. Sometimes, it's trial and error. You and another person have some things in common, so you talk. You even like them a lot sometimes! But then, y'all disagree, even less frequently than you agree, but when you disagree, it drains everything from you or is important to you for one reason or another. In my case, I decided to stop being friends with someone because they were too sensitive in my opinion. I consider myself a good and caring person. I have many wonderful friends who would agree with this. I'm a joker, though. Joking helps me cope with bad things in my life, and I have this ability to push aside, "Wow, this is a really bad situation," make some jokes about it, and enjoy the humor in the jokes, or what I think is funny. I can appreciate the humor regardless of the situation. My friend couldn't. The whole picture mattered to her, and jokes were inappropriate. I'm not saying she's wrong, but I didn't like that. I'm not like that. I had to filter myself around her, and I didn't like that. I felt like the smallest things would set her off and offend her. She probably felt the same way about things she said sometimes, too, and how I reacted. Instead of pointing fingers and saying she was the bad friend, I can admit with both may have handled some things at some points poorly, but neither of us are bad people. We're just different. Some differences are tolerable for both people, and sometimes they're tolerable for only one or neither of them. I didn't like how sensitive she was. There's nothing wrong with her. She's just not someone for me, and I'm not someone for her. 

A lot of this world is so polarized--one thing or another, right and wrong, good or bad. We forget about the grays--more than one right. Someone not wanting to be your friend or you not wanting to be someone else's friend doesn't make anything wrong with either one of you! We all have preferences and opinions. It's what makes humans fun and interesting and finding people you do hold on to that much more special. Out of billions of people, wow, you can tolerate these few completely differences and all. That's freaking special. But it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the people you can't tolerate. Likewise, you're not narrow-minded or an asshole just because you can't tolerate someone enough to be his or her friend. And even if you were friends or "friends" (tried being friends) with someone for a little while and it didn't work out, it doesn't mean y'all weren't real friends or that y'all were bad friends. It just means y'all aren't meant to be friends. We need to get over this world of pointing fingers and this obsession of placing blame. No one is worse or better than anyone for deciding not to be friends with someone. Nobody is perfect. We will slip up sometimes and do something that was poor judgement, but that doesn't make us a bad friend. We're constantly learning and growing up and maturing. Please, remember this the next time you see a quote of this nature or want to post a quote of this nature or use such a phrase to console someone who's lost a friend. Do not bash the person who decided to not be friends with your friend to make your friend feel better. That is a terrible practice. If you have to tear someone down to make yourself better, you need to look inside yourself and work on yourself first. Make yourself better. Don't make people less than you. Learn from your mistakes. Think before you speak. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Thinking it to yourself is just as bad as saying it out loud. Remember that. Better yourself within to better the world around you.