http://theodysseyonline.com/ull/what-it-means-to-truly-love-someone/368747
My mom sent this link to me because my anxiety is all about whether my relationship with my boyfriend of nearly seven years is "the one." I was always so confident before, and then, one day, I was talking to a classmate I had recently met, even though we had classes together for a while, and she told me that there was a possibility my relationship was him was just a test or some sign from God and that it won't be the one. Of course, that is such a true possibility, and the scientist in me knows that all possibilities are valid until proven otherwise, and you can't disprove that. Therefore, it was true on some level to me. What ifs and How do I knows literally haunted me for two years. Every once in a while, they still get me now but not nearly as badly as before I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and prescribed medicine to help control it. The scientist in me slowly started ruining my relationship and most definitely my mental health. I was determined to determine whether or not our relationship was the one. I was so focused on looking for the signs that proved it wasn't the one instead of looking at all the reasons why it could be the one. Bad science--I was working with bias. I looked for every possible sign, used others' relationships and music and TV and books as references. Not self-help books either. Fiction. Romantic comedies. You know, the fake stuff. The generalized, glaze over the bad stuff in order to make our movie attract more attention. I was forgetting so much that was possible. As hard as it was, I learned a lot from it, though. I really wish I could have learned it some other way than what felt like losing two years of my life, but everything happens for a reason, I hope I can share my story and help others. Regardless, depression and anxiety were the best things to ever happen to me because as soon as I was treated for it, I regained my confidence in my relationship with my parents' help along the way. My parents have been together for over twenty-three years. They even remarried each other after divorcing each other when I was in middle school. I think they stayed divorced for a year or two at the most. I am very fortunate for that. I do realize that. I do my best not to take it for granted. Now that I'm in my own relationship, when I'm lost and don't know what to do, I can go to them for help. They obviously know what they're doing more than a couple I only know from school or online who has only been together for three years. I'm not saying that couple knows nothing, but when it comes to my parents or them, my parents probably know better. They've survived divorce and four biological children and having four of my brother's friends move in at different times and taking care of my great-grandma, grandmother, grandfather, and great-grandfather, including in my great-grandparents were terminally ill--acute lymphocytic leukemia and stomach cancer with a gastrectomy whose incision did not heal. They've been through a lot of damaging things, one that was meant to tear them apart, but they made it. So they can help me sift through the bullshit of my worries. What to worry about and what not to worry about. I'm going to leave you with the very easy steps my parents left me with to figure out what I should do about my relationship when I get very confused:
1. Do you want to be with him or her?
a. Yes. Is the relationship harmful to either of you?
i. Yes. Leave.
ii. No. Stay.
b. No. Stay.
If you're like me and right in the middle of the your full-blown panic attack, you don't know what you want! BUT here are some tips to let you know, even when you can't tell between your head and your heart and your gut to be able to make a decision: (There are only two.)
1. If you're crying, you care, and it shows that you do want to be with him or her.
2. If you didn't want to be with him or her, you would very, very clearly know.
For me, the whole "You know when you know," bullshit doesn't work. (Damn you, Katy Perry. Jk, it's not your fault that I'm mentally unstable.) I don't know because I have anxiety, and I don't know which of the 46464654544646546 possibilities is it.
That is an example of how I measured my relationship--cliches, song lyrics. Every song I listened to, if it was about love (especially losing love), I found some part in the song that I could relate to, and I instantly thought that that was my sign that my relationship was done-zo. But I was wrong, thankfully.(: I even had ex-friend tell me that obviously our relationship was harmful to my mental health, so I should leave him, but that just didn't feel right. As much as I was worried about what if we don't end up together, leaving him never felt right, and the thought of him not being my one tore at me. I hated that thought, and I still do today. I'm like a temper tantrum three-year-old when I think about that question, "What if we don't end up together?" You know, most people would say, "Then, it's not meant to be, and better will be waiting for you." My thoughts: "I don't care about better. I don't want better. I want him." And that was yet another sign that I should be with him. I finally starting to feel why people don't believe in ones. Love is a choice, and I believe in God who granted us free will, so at any point in time, we can change our destiny at least to a certain extent. If you choose to work in a relationship, it can be the one. If you choose not to, then it won't be. So I'm choosing to work in my relationship right now. Surprisingly, it's not always a lot of work. The most work I have to do is handle my anxiety. Loving him is truly easy. I can relate when people say that about their significant other. My boyfriend makes love so fun and so easy. My anxiety makes it so hard, but I'm getting help with that. I'm working on that. I still get excited to go to the grocery store my boyfriend works at when he is working and not off. Another sign that I love him. I'm so, so anxious to live together and be married and start a family together. I feel like I have been and will be waiting so long for all that, so it is SO easy to get anxious. However, I need to learn to live in the present because tomorrow is never promised. It's hard to love where I'm at right now because I'm finishing my Bachelor's degree in biology to prepare for medical school, and I unfortunately have not gotten in yet, and school is getting really old really quickly. I'm SO tired of it, but I do still want the end result. Therefore, I have to do the (unfun) work for it. So no, I don't love everything about life right now, but I am grateful for the opportunity I have to be in school. I even enjoy learning. I don't enjoy tests and deadlines. I could even do just tests, but deadlines and papers are killing me!!!! I will be so happy when I finish my Honors thesis. It's killing me right now. I semi-regret doing the Honors Program at my school because my life would have been SO much easier without the extra work it entails. I have about a month to finish it, so I will be staying after classes for the rest of the semester to collect my data so that I can finish my paper. Therefore, I also have to read up on the techniques I'll be using the collect my data so that I can collect my data correctly. I also have one more piece of background information to include. I feel so stupid for not including it before since it was brought my attention.
I went on a tangent there, and I detracted from the final point I wanted to make. It's not a big, summarizing, powerful point. I think it's important, though. You do not have to like or accept or agree with the advice you receive sometimes, even if you asked for it, and even if you otherwise trust this person. Nobody is perfect and knows everything, and nobody knows you super well all the time in every aspect, so it's possible that your best friend from whom you definitely need advice gave you advice that you think is shitty. You can choose to ignore it. That might also show you what you should do now that you know some of what you shouldn't do. It was a very hard thing for me to accept. I thought I was begging and choosing, and you know what "they" say: Beggars can't be choosers, but that's not right in this case. It's a gut/heart thing (the good guys!): You can tell when something is or isn't right for you, and you need to listen to that voice. As hard as it is to tell sometimes or at least believe sometimes, you can tell whether you're being contrary or seriously don't need it. It's called a conscious.(:
I hope this helps some of you, and if you have more questions or want to talk about (anything), I'll help you as best as I can!
tothemoonpigsandback@gmail.com
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Monday, March 28, 2016
I'm more
Hi, everybody! It's been so long since I've posted, and it makes me sad in a way. I've been busy with procrasting school. Even though I do procrastinate, I tell myself that I can't do large amounts of time-consuming fun things until I finish doing my schoolwork. I never finish my schoolwork, so I never get to do the big fun things like write on my blog! I do get to do the little fun things like Instagram and Facebook because I'm terrible and let those help me procrastinate. And texting, of course, one text turns into, "Hey, I got a reply. Let me reply really quickly," and over and over, so texting takes up a lot of my time, especially texting my boyfriend.♥♥♥♥♥ Even though I generally only get to text him for an hour or so throughout three times per day, I end up texting the rest of my friends while waiting for him to text. ANYWAY! I came here for a reason. That could be part of it, but it can't be all of it!
My title--"I'm more"
With my blog, I wanted to accomplish making people feel the way I feel when I read some of my other blogs. I want people to come here to see me initially as a pre-medicine student for maybe answers to curiosity or to see how a fellow pre-med student handles life. But I also want them to see that I'm more than a pre-medicine student and I'm not perfect and I do stumble, especially in if not only in school. I'm still obsessed with this one blog(?) or forum I read one time where a woman was posting about going through something I was going through (I found it by googling what was bothering me) and saying that she wanted to share her story for a "me, too" effect. So that she can help others feel relieved when they hear her troubles and say or think, "Me, too." So that they feel empowered again and normal when they realize somebody else has felt the way they feel and that they can talk about it freely without judgement. So I want to do that for people, too. I want others from one of the most demanding career paths to look at me trying to navigate my way through it, too, see where I stumble or see the fact that I simply do stumble and feel relief that I'm not a perfect pre-med student and maybe you aren't either! If not, go ahead, and embrace it.
I applied to medical school this school year, but it doesn't look like I'm getting in. According to Florida State University's College of Medicine, April 30, 2016, is the "[d]eadline for applicants holding acceptances at multiple medical programs to choose the specific school or program at which the applicant prefers to enroll and withdraw his or her application, by written correspondence delivered by regular or electronic methods, from all other schools or programs from which acceptance offers have been received, in compliance with AAMC Traffic Rules." If students have to make their final decision that day, it sounds like medical schools will be done accepting people by then, and the fact that it mentions AAMC sound likes to me that this is a day for all medical schools, not just FSU. So I'm thinking if nothing has happened by April 30th, even if I haven't received a formal rejection yet, I can be sure that nothing will be happening, and I can move on with my life AKA preparing for work and a couple more classes at school (Medical schools supposedly like seeing students continue taking classes while waiting to be accepted.). I applied to LSU New Orleans, LSU Shreveport, the University of Alabama at Birmingham, and Florida State University. I received a rejection notice from UAB but nothing else from the other schools. I'm thinking if we're nearing a month away from that deadline and I still haven't even been invited to interview yet, my chances are looking pretty slim. A month doesn't seem like enough time for me to interview and the admissions committee to have ample time to decide whether they're going to offer a spot to me. I hate having to wait for so long to know what my future holds. LITERALLY! I don't know what I'll be doing after graduation yet because they haven't told me yes, but they haven't told me no either and there's time left, so I can't just go on planning as if I won't be going to medical school next year because there's a chance--albeit a very small chance--that I can get in. I'm holding on to that small chance, of course, because this is what I want, but I'm not going to lie. As much as I want this and as much as I'm holding on, it feels pointless to hold on. I'm a planner. I like to know what I'm going to do in advance, so this not knowing part is probably killing me the most honestly.
There are fifty million things I can complain about with this whole process. The longer it takes to get in, the longer it takes before I get to move in with my boyfriend, the longer it takes before we get to have sex for the first time, the longer it takes for us to get married, the longer it takes for us to have children together. Honestly, it feels like the longer it takes to get in, the longer it takes before I can live my life. I'm waiting to do all these things until after I graduate from medical school because they all cost. It probably sounds stupid to wait to live my life because of money, but that's what I'm choosing to do. This is why: My mom decided she wanted a family more than to go to college after high school, so after dropping out of college before the semester even started, she went back home and spent her time going out with friends, which is how she met my dad. My mom was a cool freaking kid. I like to think she was the emo/scemo/punks of the eighties. The hair metal kids of the eighties who like Motley Crue and Bon Jovi and Guns N Roses and other cooler lesser known hair metal bands. My mom had me when she was younger than me. I'm six months shy of being 22, and I was born a month before her 21st birthday. She had my brother two years later. My dad finally graduated college two years after my brother was born. My mom tried going back when my dad did but dropped out because he was closer to finishing his degree with credits he had from the second time he went to college. This was his third. Also, my parents couldn't afford for both of them to go to college with two children. Two years later my sister was born, and six years after that, my last brother was born. My mom got a diploma equivalent when my sister was three or four to be an LPN. She loved being a nurse. That's why when she went back to college in 2011, she went for four years for her RN. I spent the first three years of college in school with my mom. It was totally cool because my mom is totally cool, and I knew a lot more of the ins and outs than my classmates because this was my mom's fourth time in college, and she was a whole year ahead of me. Plus my mom was a mom of four and very resourceful unlike college kids straight out of high school. I wouldn't have been able to figure out half the shit I had if it weren't for her. At least half of my $57,000+ in scholarships I had in college was probably thanks to her because I wouldn't have opened the e-mails with the list of scholarships or I wouldn't have applied because who was I out of all the kids on campus? But not many of us knew about it or took the plunge to apply, so I did, and probably got at least half of the scholarships I applied for while I was in college. I literally have been paid to go to college. I commuted an hour away from school and had extra money each semester after tuition and fees. I had a semester where I only had a few hundred and could barely afford my books, but my parents were there to help me, and I have yet to take out a loan. I know medical school will change that, so I'm so lucky that I have been able to go so long without a loan because the brother born two years after me had to go to school four hours away for the degree he wanted and is a sophomore in college with loans already. He didn't need any his freshman year, but he wasn't happy that year with the degree he was starting out with. So no, I can tell money isn't everything, but it's worth it to try to save if you're still happy, and overall, I am. I'm impatient is all.(: My point with my family's history is that we've struggled with money for nearly my whole life. Until my mom was working as an LPN when my sister was four or five, we were poor. We needed food stamps to get by. One of our vehicles were repossessed because we couldn't afford the note. We were nice and comfortable while my mom was working as an LPN, but she had dreams. She wanted to be an RN so when the baby of our family started school, she went back to school. One parent working to support seven. My great-grandfather lived with us until this past December when he passed away. Not only was one parent working, but the one who wasn't was accumulating debt for college. Then, I went to college. No loans but I still cost--food and gas and insurance. Then, two of my brother's friends moved in because they were having problems at home. One parents working, two college students, and nine people to support. Then, my brother went to college and one of his friends were still living with us and also going to college. Eight people, four college students, one income. At some point, two more of my brother's friends moved in. They weren't in college and helped us out, but to some degree, one parent working, four college students, and ten people. Then, my mom graduated, but she couldn't go to work right away because my great-grandfather fell and fractured his pelvis after having a hip replacement two or three years before, and there was nothing doctors could do for him, so he had to be wheelchair bound to protect his hip from further damage. We couldn't leave my great-grandpa alone because he still got out of his wheelchair sometimes and we found him fallen on the floor because of it, which could have lead to breaking his pelvis further and being paralyzed. So we finally expected to have another income and still couldn't plus we had to all help to take care of my great-grandfather. He needed nearly round the clock care because he'd even try to get out of his wheelchair in the middle of the night to use the restroom. So my whole life, all I've known is struggling with money, and I don't want to ever have to do that again or raise children so that they have to. I'm not mad at my parents for having raised us to stress over money because I learned a lot of valuable lessons from our struggles, but there's no need to repeat it. You learn and aim higher. You don't settle for the same old, same old. So I want to wait to have children, who will cost extra, and wait to have a wedding, which will cost extra, until I have extra money to afford it. I'm even waiting until medical school to move out because I have no choice but to move out for medical school. All the schools are too far away for me to commute, so it would be stupid for me to leave my parents' care any earlier than I have to because soon (HOPEFULLY), I won't have a choice. As long as I'm working, my parents don't mind me staying with them after graduation. As long as I'm being productive and not take advantage. I'm waiting to have sex until after I graduate medical school because that is the only way to guarantee no children. Don't even try to tell me about condoms and birth control because my parents had me while my mom was on the pill, my first brother while on the pill AND using condoms, my sister while on the Depo-Provera birth control shot, and my second brother while having an IUD. My mom was lucky she didn't miscarry my brother because that's how most pregnancies while using an IUD end up. It happened to my dad's mom. We got lotsa lucky with my second brother. He was supposed to have trisomy 18, but it was a false positive. He could have been born with anything from heart defects that would have killed him before two years old to innocuous webbed toes. It would have been a big gamble to see how he turned out, but oh-so-luckily, we didn't have to worry about it. Now, he's one of the coolest people in the world! After coming so pitifully close to having to deal with trisomy 18, I can only imagine what families who do have to deal with it go through, and I am SO sorry that anyone has to deal with it ever.
So my life is on pause until April 30th OR until I hear back from each of the other three schools to which I applied. I can figure out exactly where I could have been better in my application and will use this break from a full-time school schedule to fix that if need be. I had too much to deal with in my opinion to do it all. My family is still super important to me, so everything they dealt with, I dealt with, too. A lot of my time-suckers are put on me by me, such as commuting and effectively losing two hours a day, but it's worth it to me. I wouldn't change a thing, really. I mean, I wish I would have used my summers more wisely and gotten some sort of medical experience whether it was volunteering or job shadowing, and I wish I would have studied for MCAT more, but I was so burnt out. I know I was. Sophomore and junior years were the worst. They were SO hard. I was battling anxiety and depression for two years and didn't know it, and that's so hard to do on top of a pre-medicine curriculum. I don't think I would have had time for anything else without ending up in some fucking psych ward. So I'm so happy for the way things turned out. Mentally and emotionally, this is best for me. If I would have worked harder to get into medical school this year, I think my mental and emotional health would have suffered, and as hard as it is to accept, it wouldn't have been worth it.
So I am more than a pre-medicine student. I'm a daughter. A sister. A friend. A girlfriend. An amateur blogger. A wisher to be a doctor and a mommy and wife. I'm even more than those. I'm a cat lover. I'm a Harry Potter fan. I'm a Grey's Anatomy, Private Practive, One Tree Hill, Scandal, Bones, House, A to Z, Friends, Vicar of Dibley...yada yada yada fan. I'm SO much! This is the working on getting into medical school chapter of my life, but it's also so much more. I have to stay true to myself and my mental health. I'm not going to be the perfect medical school candidate. I know exactly what I have to do to make my best grades, etc., but it's easier said than done. I have fears. I have wants. I'm scared my wants won't fit with the musts of some of my demanding wants, and I deal with that fear by doing nothing. Literally. I barely even work on my musts because I'm so scared that my fears will be true, and I don't want to see them come true, so I think if I never try, I can never fail. But I forget that if I never try, it will never happen either. I'm not saying I handle it the right way. I'm saying this is how I handle it and why. Then, I get overwhelmed because all of my musts pile up and seem impossible to accomplish anymore and my wants slowly get farther away from me, which discourages me, and how do I deal with discouragement? Mope. ._.
So no, I'm not perfect at freaking all. And I look to Pinterest studyspo for advice and motivation, but I look with expectations. I want a magic step to get it all done. I shy away from the honest and true posts that say that there's nothing you can do except do it because I don't like that answer. I don't want to do it. I want something to make me want to do it. I don't want to do anything without wanting to do it, but sometimes, you have to force yourself whether you want to or not, and that is okay whether I think so or not. So I need to go now and work on some musts for my wants like I MUST do the litter and mop stinky rooms because I WANT my cats to stay inside. Then, I MUST do some schoolwork because I WANT to do well and get into medical school and graduate and finish what I started.
This posted ended up way longer than I wanted and the long parts were not what I wanted to focus on, but I think they were necessary to understand it all, and I hope some of you can find solace and peace and relief in my troubles because they reassure you that nothing is impossible regardless of your troubles, even when you don't want to do the work for your want. It's okay to take a time out. Sometimes we need it. Make sure you don't give up, though, and make sure that you do still want your want. It's okay to want something and not feel the work for it. Like I said, just don't give up. Go at your own pace WHENEVER you go.
My title--"I'm more"
With my blog, I wanted to accomplish making people feel the way I feel when I read some of my other blogs. I want people to come here to see me initially as a pre-medicine student for maybe answers to curiosity or to see how a fellow pre-med student handles life. But I also want them to see that I'm more than a pre-medicine student and I'm not perfect and I do stumble, especially in if not only in school. I'm still obsessed with this one blog(?) or forum I read one time where a woman was posting about going through something I was going through (I found it by googling what was bothering me) and saying that she wanted to share her story for a "me, too" effect. So that she can help others feel relieved when they hear her troubles and say or think, "Me, too." So that they feel empowered again and normal when they realize somebody else has felt the way they feel and that they can talk about it freely without judgement. So I want to do that for people, too. I want others from one of the most demanding career paths to look at me trying to navigate my way through it, too, see where I stumble or see the fact that I simply do stumble and feel relief that I'm not a perfect pre-med student and maybe you aren't either! If not, go ahead, and embrace it.
I applied to medical school this school year, but it doesn't look like I'm getting in. According to Florida State University's College of Medicine, April 30, 2016, is the "[d]eadline for applicants holding acceptances at multiple medical programs to choose the specific school or program at which the applicant prefers to enroll and withdraw his or her application, by written correspondence delivered by regular or electronic methods, from all other schools or programs from which acceptance offers have been received, in compliance with AAMC Traffic Rules." If students have to make their final decision that day, it sounds like medical schools will be done accepting people by then, and the fact that it mentions AAMC sound likes to me that this is a day for all medical schools, not just FSU. So I'm thinking if nothing has happened by April 30th, even if I haven't received a formal rejection yet, I can be sure that nothing will be happening, and I can move on with my life AKA preparing for work and a couple more classes at school (Medical schools supposedly like seeing students continue taking classes while waiting to be accepted.). I applied to LSU New Orleans, LSU Shreveport, the University of Alabama at Birmingham, and Florida State University. I received a rejection notice from UAB but nothing else from the other schools. I'm thinking if we're nearing a month away from that deadline and I still haven't even been invited to interview yet, my chances are looking pretty slim. A month doesn't seem like enough time for me to interview and the admissions committee to have ample time to decide whether they're going to offer a spot to me. I hate having to wait for so long to know what my future holds. LITERALLY! I don't know what I'll be doing after graduation yet because they haven't told me yes, but they haven't told me no either and there's time left, so I can't just go on planning as if I won't be going to medical school next year because there's a chance--albeit a very small chance--that I can get in. I'm holding on to that small chance, of course, because this is what I want, but I'm not going to lie. As much as I want this and as much as I'm holding on, it feels pointless to hold on. I'm a planner. I like to know what I'm going to do in advance, so this not knowing part is probably killing me the most honestly.
There are fifty million things I can complain about with this whole process. The longer it takes to get in, the longer it takes before I get to move in with my boyfriend, the longer it takes before we get to have sex for the first time, the longer it takes for us to get married, the longer it takes for us to have children together. Honestly, it feels like the longer it takes to get in, the longer it takes before I can live my life. I'm waiting to do all these things until after I graduate from medical school because they all cost. It probably sounds stupid to wait to live my life because of money, but that's what I'm choosing to do. This is why: My mom decided she wanted a family more than to go to college after high school, so after dropping out of college before the semester even started, she went back home and spent her time going out with friends, which is how she met my dad. My mom was a cool freaking kid. I like to think she was the emo/scemo/punks of the eighties. The hair metal kids of the eighties who like Motley Crue and Bon Jovi and Guns N Roses and other cooler lesser known hair metal bands. My mom had me when she was younger than me. I'm six months shy of being 22, and I was born a month before her 21st birthday. She had my brother two years later. My dad finally graduated college two years after my brother was born. My mom tried going back when my dad did but dropped out because he was closer to finishing his degree with credits he had from the second time he went to college. This was his third. Also, my parents couldn't afford for both of them to go to college with two children. Two years later my sister was born, and six years after that, my last brother was born. My mom got a diploma equivalent when my sister was three or four to be an LPN. She loved being a nurse. That's why when she went back to college in 2011, she went for four years for her RN. I spent the first three years of college in school with my mom. It was totally cool because my mom is totally cool, and I knew a lot more of the ins and outs than my classmates because this was my mom's fourth time in college, and she was a whole year ahead of me. Plus my mom was a mom of four and very resourceful unlike college kids straight out of high school. I wouldn't have been able to figure out half the shit I had if it weren't for her. At least half of my $57,000+ in scholarships I had in college was probably thanks to her because I wouldn't have opened the e-mails with the list of scholarships or I wouldn't have applied because who was I out of all the kids on campus? But not many of us knew about it or took the plunge to apply, so I did, and probably got at least half of the scholarships I applied for while I was in college. I literally have been paid to go to college. I commuted an hour away from school and had extra money each semester after tuition and fees. I had a semester where I only had a few hundred and could barely afford my books, but my parents were there to help me, and I have yet to take out a loan. I know medical school will change that, so I'm so lucky that I have been able to go so long without a loan because the brother born two years after me had to go to school four hours away for the degree he wanted and is a sophomore in college with loans already. He didn't need any his freshman year, but he wasn't happy that year with the degree he was starting out with. So no, I can tell money isn't everything, but it's worth it to try to save if you're still happy, and overall, I am. I'm impatient is all.(: My point with my family's history is that we've struggled with money for nearly my whole life. Until my mom was working as an LPN when my sister was four or five, we were poor. We needed food stamps to get by. One of our vehicles were repossessed because we couldn't afford the note. We were nice and comfortable while my mom was working as an LPN, but she had dreams. She wanted to be an RN so when the baby of our family started school, she went back to school. One parent working to support seven. My great-grandfather lived with us until this past December when he passed away. Not only was one parent working, but the one who wasn't was accumulating debt for college. Then, I went to college. No loans but I still cost--food and gas and insurance. Then, two of my brother's friends moved in because they were having problems at home. One parents working, two college students, and nine people to support. Then, my brother went to college and one of his friends were still living with us and also going to college. Eight people, four college students, one income. At some point, two more of my brother's friends moved in. They weren't in college and helped us out, but to some degree, one parent working, four college students, and ten people. Then, my mom graduated, but she couldn't go to work right away because my great-grandfather fell and fractured his pelvis after having a hip replacement two or three years before, and there was nothing doctors could do for him, so he had to be wheelchair bound to protect his hip from further damage. We couldn't leave my great-grandpa alone because he still got out of his wheelchair sometimes and we found him fallen on the floor because of it, which could have lead to breaking his pelvis further and being paralyzed. So we finally expected to have another income and still couldn't plus we had to all help to take care of my great-grandfather. He needed nearly round the clock care because he'd even try to get out of his wheelchair in the middle of the night to use the restroom. So my whole life, all I've known is struggling with money, and I don't want to ever have to do that again or raise children so that they have to. I'm not mad at my parents for having raised us to stress over money because I learned a lot of valuable lessons from our struggles, but there's no need to repeat it. You learn and aim higher. You don't settle for the same old, same old. So I want to wait to have children, who will cost extra, and wait to have a wedding, which will cost extra, until I have extra money to afford it. I'm even waiting until medical school to move out because I have no choice but to move out for medical school. All the schools are too far away for me to commute, so it would be stupid for me to leave my parents' care any earlier than I have to because soon (HOPEFULLY), I won't have a choice. As long as I'm working, my parents don't mind me staying with them after graduation. As long as I'm being productive and not take advantage. I'm waiting to have sex until after I graduate medical school because that is the only way to guarantee no children. Don't even try to tell me about condoms and birth control because my parents had me while my mom was on the pill, my first brother while on the pill AND using condoms, my sister while on the Depo-Provera birth control shot, and my second brother while having an IUD. My mom was lucky she didn't miscarry my brother because that's how most pregnancies while using an IUD end up. It happened to my dad's mom. We got lotsa lucky with my second brother. He was supposed to have trisomy 18, but it was a false positive. He could have been born with anything from heart defects that would have killed him before two years old to innocuous webbed toes. It would have been a big gamble to see how he turned out, but oh-so-luckily, we didn't have to worry about it. Now, he's one of the coolest people in the world! After coming so pitifully close to having to deal with trisomy 18, I can only imagine what families who do have to deal with it go through, and I am SO sorry that anyone has to deal with it ever.
So my life is on pause until April 30th OR until I hear back from each of the other three schools to which I applied. I can figure out exactly where I could have been better in my application and will use this break from a full-time school schedule to fix that if need be. I had too much to deal with in my opinion to do it all. My family is still super important to me, so everything they dealt with, I dealt with, too. A lot of my time-suckers are put on me by me, such as commuting and effectively losing two hours a day, but it's worth it to me. I wouldn't change a thing, really. I mean, I wish I would have used my summers more wisely and gotten some sort of medical experience whether it was volunteering or job shadowing, and I wish I would have studied for MCAT more, but I was so burnt out. I know I was. Sophomore and junior years were the worst. They were SO hard. I was battling anxiety and depression for two years and didn't know it, and that's so hard to do on top of a pre-medicine curriculum. I don't think I would have had time for anything else without ending up in some fucking psych ward. So I'm so happy for the way things turned out. Mentally and emotionally, this is best for me. If I would have worked harder to get into medical school this year, I think my mental and emotional health would have suffered, and as hard as it is to accept, it wouldn't have been worth it.
So I am more than a pre-medicine student. I'm a daughter. A sister. A friend. A girlfriend. An amateur blogger. A wisher to be a doctor and a mommy and wife. I'm even more than those. I'm a cat lover. I'm a Harry Potter fan. I'm a Grey's Anatomy, Private Practive, One Tree Hill, Scandal, Bones, House, A to Z, Friends, Vicar of Dibley...yada yada yada fan. I'm SO much! This is the working on getting into medical school chapter of my life, but it's also so much more. I have to stay true to myself and my mental health. I'm not going to be the perfect medical school candidate. I know exactly what I have to do to make my best grades, etc., but it's easier said than done. I have fears. I have wants. I'm scared my wants won't fit with the musts of some of my demanding wants, and I deal with that fear by doing nothing. Literally. I barely even work on my musts because I'm so scared that my fears will be true, and I don't want to see them come true, so I think if I never try, I can never fail. But I forget that if I never try, it will never happen either. I'm not saying I handle it the right way. I'm saying this is how I handle it and why. Then, I get overwhelmed because all of my musts pile up and seem impossible to accomplish anymore and my wants slowly get farther away from me, which discourages me, and how do I deal with discouragement? Mope. ._.
So no, I'm not perfect at freaking all. And I look to Pinterest studyspo for advice and motivation, but I look with expectations. I want a magic step to get it all done. I shy away from the honest and true posts that say that there's nothing you can do except do it because I don't like that answer. I don't want to do it. I want something to make me want to do it. I don't want to do anything without wanting to do it, but sometimes, you have to force yourself whether you want to or not, and that is okay whether I think so or not. So I need to go now and work on some musts for my wants like I MUST do the litter and mop stinky rooms because I WANT my cats to stay inside. Then, I MUST do some schoolwork because I WANT to do well and get into medical school and graduate and finish what I started.
This posted ended up way longer than I wanted and the long parts were not what I wanted to focus on, but I think they were necessary to understand it all, and I hope some of you can find solace and peace and relief in my troubles because they reassure you that nothing is impossible regardless of your troubles, even when you don't want to do the work for your want. It's okay to take a time out. Sometimes we need it. Make sure you don't give up, though, and make sure that you do still want your want. It's okay to want something and not feel the work for it. Like I said, just don't give up. Go at your own pace WHENEVER you go.
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