Love

http://theodysseyonline.com/ull/what-it-means-to-truly-love-someone/368747

My mom sent this link to me because my anxiety is all about whether my relationship with my boyfriend of nearly seven years is "the one." I was always so confident before, and then, one day, I was talking to a classmate I had recently met, even though we had classes together for a while, and she told me that there was a possibility my relationship was him was just a test or some sign from God and that it won't be the one. Of course, that is such a true possibility, and the scientist in me knows that all possibilities are valid until proven otherwise, and you can't disprove that. Therefore, it was true on some level to me. What ifs and How do I knows literally haunted me for two years. Every once in a while, they still get me now but not nearly as badly as before I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and prescribed medicine to help control it. The scientist in me slowly started ruining my relationship and most definitely my mental health. I was determined to determine whether or not our relationship was the one. I was so focused on looking for the signs that proved it wasn't the one instead of looking at all the reasons why it could be the one. Bad science--I was working with bias. I looked for every possible sign, used others' relationships and music and TV and books as references. Not self-help books either. Fiction. Romantic comedies. You know, the fake stuff. The generalized, glaze over the bad stuff in order to make our movie attract more attention. I was forgetting so much that was possible. As hard as it was, I learned a lot from it, though. I really wish I could have learned it some other way than what felt like losing two years of my life, but everything happens for a reason, I hope I can share my story and help others. Regardless, depression and anxiety were the best things to ever happen to me because as soon as I was treated for it, I regained my confidence in my relationship with my parents' help along the way. My parents have been together for over twenty-three years. They even remarried each other after divorcing each other when I was in middle school. I think they stayed divorced for a year or two at the most. I am very fortunate for that. I do realize that. I do my best not to take it for granted. Now that I'm in my own relationship, when I'm lost and don't know what to do, I can go to them for help. They obviously know what they're doing more than a couple I only know from school or online who has only been together for three years. I'm not saying that couple knows nothing, but when it comes to my parents or them, my parents probably know better. They've survived divorce and four biological children and having four of my brother's friends move in at different times and taking care of my great-grandma, grandmother, grandfather, and great-grandfather, including in my great-grandparents were terminally ill--acute lymphocytic leukemia and stomach cancer with a gastrectomy whose incision did not heal. They've been through a lot of damaging things, one that was meant to tear them apart, but they made it. So they can help me sift through the bullshit of my worries. What to worry about and what not to worry about. I'm going to leave you with the very easy steps my parents left me with to figure out what I should do about my relationship when I get very confused:

1. Do you want to be with him or her?
     a. Yes. Is the relationship harmful to either of you?
          i. Yes. Leave.
          ii. No. Stay.
     b. No. Stay.

If you're like me and right in the middle of the your full-blown panic attack, you don't know what you want! BUT here are some tips to let you know, even when you can't tell between your head and your heart and your gut to be able to make a decision: (There are only two.)
1. If you're crying, you care, and it shows that you do want to be with him or her.
2. If you didn't want to be with him or her, you would very, very clearly know.

For me, the whole "You know when you know," bullshit doesn't work. (Damn you, Katy Perry. Jk, it's not your fault that I'm mentally unstable.) I don't know because I have anxiety, and I don't know which of the 46464654544646546 possibilities is it. 

That is an example of how I measured my relationship--cliches, song lyrics. Every song I listened to, if it was about love (especially losing love), I found some part in the song that I could relate to, and I instantly thought that that was my sign that my relationship was done-zo. But I was wrong, thankfully.(: I even had ex-friend tell me that obviously our relationship was harmful to my mental health, so I should leave him, but that just didn't feel right. As much as I was worried about what if we don't end up together, leaving him never felt right, and the thought of him not being my one tore at me. I hated that thought, and I still do today. I'm like a temper tantrum three-year-old when I think about that question, "What if we don't end up together?" You know, most people would say, "Then, it's not meant to be, and better will be waiting for you." My thoughts: "I don't care about better. I don't want better. I want him." And that was yet another sign that I should be with him. I finally starting to feel why people don't believe in ones. Love is a choice, and I believe in God who granted us free will, so at any point in time, we can change our destiny at least to a certain extent. If you choose to work in a relationship, it can be the one. If you choose not to, then it won't be. So I'm choosing to work in my relationship right now. Surprisingly, it's not always a lot of work. The most work I have to do is handle my anxiety. Loving him is truly easy. I can relate when people say that about their significant other. My boyfriend makes love so fun and so easy. My anxiety makes it so hard, but I'm getting help with that. I'm working on that. I still get excited to go to the grocery store my boyfriend works at when he is working and not off. Another sign that I love him. I'm so, so anxious to live together and be married and start a family together. I feel like I have been and will be waiting so long for all that, so it is SO easy to get anxious. However, I need to learn to live in the present because tomorrow is never promised. It's hard to love where I'm at right now because I'm finishing my Bachelor's degree in biology to prepare for medical school, and I unfortunately have not gotten in yet, and school is getting really old really quickly. I'm SO tired of it, but I do still want the end result. Therefore, I have to do the (unfun) work for it. So no, I don't love everything about life right now, but I am grateful for the opportunity I have to be in school. I even enjoy learning. I don't enjoy tests and deadlines. I could even do just tests, but deadlines and papers are killing me!!!! I will be so happy when I finish my Honors thesis. It's killing me right now. I semi-regret doing the Honors Program at my school because my life would have been SO much easier without the extra work it entails. I have about a month to finish it, so I will be staying after classes for the rest of the semester to collect my data so that I can finish my paper. Therefore, I also have to read up on the techniques I'll be using the collect my data so that I can collect my data correctly. I also have one more piece of background information to include. I feel so stupid for not including it before since it was brought my attention.

I went on a tangent there, and I detracted from the final point I wanted to make. It's not a big, summarizing, powerful point. I think it's important, though. You do not have to like or accept or agree with the advice you receive sometimes, even if you asked for it, and even if you otherwise trust this person. Nobody is perfect and knows everything, and nobody knows you super well all the time in every aspect, so it's possible that your best friend from whom you definitely need advice gave you advice that you think is shitty. You can choose to ignore it. That might also show you what you should do now that you know some of what you shouldn't do. It was a very hard thing for me to accept. I thought I was begging and choosing, and you know what "they" say: Beggars can't be choosers, but that's not right in this case. It's a gut/heart thing (the good guys!): You can tell when something is or isn't right for you, and you need to listen to that voice. As hard as it is to tell sometimes or at least believe sometimes, you can tell whether you're being contrary or seriously don't need it. It's called a conscious.(:

I hope this helps some of you, and if you have more questions or want to talk about (anything), I'll help you as best as I can!
tothemoonpigsandback@gmail.com