Life isn't picture perfect (and I rant (-:)

I need to stop thinking that life has to be a certain way and that if I try to make it a certain way it will never be that way and that and this and that. Makes no sense, doesn't it? This might be my anxiety talking (probably is actually--shit), but I look at pictures of families and think, "Gosh, that's what I want." Nothing anxious about that, right? Right. Then, I think, "Oh, I can't focus on wanting my life to fulfill me in a way that feels as good as people's Instagram photos look." But everyone should be able to feel that good about things at some point. I think I will, but I don't think I will always feel that way, even about the things that ultimately do make me feel that way. We have bad days and even the things we love get hard. I focus way too much about how badly I want my dream life to look life my dream life while trying to build a foundation for my dream life. That sounds weird, but, like, I get so upset that my life doesn't look as beautiful and doesn't make me feel as good as I want my dream life to make me feel. Not that my life isn't beautiful now. It is in a not beautiful way right now--a beautiful mess of you will. It's like a construction zone because that's exactly what I'm doing now. I'm building the foundation for my dream life like people build a foundation for my dream home, but I'm worrying about the curtains and bedsheets (quite literally...) while I'm still working on the framework. The frame's almost built! I graduate from undergraduate school this semester, and I'm applying to medical school right now. I'll equate medical school with putting up the exterior and interior walls. Then, I can start filling my house! I can marry my boyfriend then so that I can enjoy the process without having school stress to distract me, and we can start thinking about babies!!!! Oh, babies--I don't want to be anywhere near having babies until I've graduated medical school--ideally after I've finished residency and start settling into my permanent swing of things. I want to work in a clinic, so once I have all that figured out. I'd hate to miss time with my babies because I'm still busy with residency. I know things don't always happen according to plan, but it's still good to have a plan. Otherwise, I wouldn't do much. I need a plan to tell me what to do. I need my plan to motivate me. But I'm still open to changes in my plan. Nobody seems to think I'm open to it because I get upset about things not going according to plans, and it's really annoying that people think that you have to be happy about it to be open to changes. I don't think you have to be 100% okay with your plan not working (ESPECIALLY AS SOON AS YOU FIND OUT IT HAPPENS!!!! First B on my college transcript second semester sophomore year and my advisor who didn't think I was over it, I'm looking at y'all.) Maybe I wasn't over it, but I accepted it. I think you can accept something without liking it. I feel like people are telling me I haven't accepted it because I haven't gotten over it. ANYWAY! My point is that I look at pictures on Instagram of happy couples and families because that's what I like to see. That's what I want. Then, I get sad that my life isn't like that yet. That I don't get to come home and wake up to my boyfriend, the love of my life yet. That we only get one day a week and not even the maximum time because I have school and litter and driving and bathing and shaving. And I see pregnant women with their babies and get sad that I don't get have to have a baby yet and that I feel like babies don't even like me so the only babies I'll ever get a chance with are my own who are so far away from being mine.): Sigh. And I just think about how much I can't wait for my life to make me as happy as those pictures look at least sometimes because I know it's unrealistic to think I can feel like that always. And I get stressed when my life isn't that happy and it's filled with stress. But I add stress to myself being stressed about not having a less stressful life. And I know life will always be stressful, but I think life will be less stressful for me personally when I'm done with school. I've learned by seeing my parents that some people respond to school and work stress differently. My dad loves school and stressed about work. He's also not at a job he enjoys. He enjoys supporting his family, and that's why he goes to work. My mom loves her job and hated school. I've never worked to know if I'll like that, but I hate school. I love what I'm studying, but I hate the deadlines and the tests and studying and papers all stacked up at once. I feel like I can barely breathe! So school makes me unhappy. It's an hour away from home, and I spend so much time away from home and my favorite people and SHOULD be coming home to spend more time studying. Keyword--should. I barely do. I try to soak up more time with my family since I don't feel like I get much time with them anymore. School makes me feel lonely on top of stressed. I am fortunate to be able to go to school, but I don't enjoy the lifestyle. I feel guilty when I get to spend time with my family because I know I need to be spending more of it studying. But it feels impossible to get all the work done with enough free time to enjoy myself. But school is a necessary means to and end for my dream life. I'm hoping that medical school will make me feel less lonely in my relationship because my boyfriend and I will be moving in together when I go! Yay!!! So I look at these pictures and get sad that my life isn't at that point where my boyfriend and I are married and living together and making babies together and raising them, but these pictures probably are damaging me in a way because I'm probably getting these false expectations in my head so that when I have my family I might enjoy it less at first because I'm comparing it to the standard of pretty Instagram pictures, not real life. I'm wishing for something that isn't real. Pictures aren't going to give me intimacy and fuzzy feelings. Life will, and life's not always picture perfect. It's really hard for me to remember that, so I'm writing this to remind myself again and you, too--anyone else who can relate to this. If you're in a rut, I'm here to remind you that it's okay. Don't measure life by Instagram expectations. It sounds really stupid and obvious when you put it like that, but it's SO easy to forget. It might be time for another social media break for me. Ha. Let's see how long that lasts without me unfollowing my favorites. I hate to unfollow them because I'm sure it's annoying when they see me re-follow them. If I did it again, I'd be following some of these people for the third fricking time!! Then, it's hard to find them again sometimes after I unfollow them for when I feel like I'm ready to follow them again and can handle it. Siggggh. I just want my boyfriend. That's basically what all this boils down to. I get like this when I'm lonely, which is often.(-: